86 Nervous System Regulation: Why Calm Isn’t the Goal

Nervous System Regulation: Why Calm Isn’t the Goal

We’ve turned nervous system regulation into another self-improvement project: calm yourself, ground yourself, soothe yourself, regulate yourself.

But what if calm isn’t actually the goal?

Your nervous system is not a metaphor. It is a physical communication system running throughout your body, constantly responding to what is happening inside and around you.

When there’s a bear in the forest, you need activation. Your heart beats faster. Your attention changes. Your body prepares you to fight, flee or freeze.

But what happens when the bear disappeared hours ago — and your body and mind are still responding as though it is standing behind the tree?

In this episode of Simply Well and Beyond, I challenge the internet version of nervous system regulation where health can start to look like spending your life underneath a weighted blanket listening to sound bowls.

Those tools can be wonderful. But they are tools.

A healthy nervous system isn’t necessarily a quiet nervous system. It’s a flexible nervous system.

And activation isn’t always bad. Falling in love, laughing, travelling, skiing, having sex, performing, public speaking and trying something new can all activate your nervous system too.

Sometimes it’s not fight, flight or freeze.

Sometimes it’s fun.

In this episode, we explore:

• what nervous system regulation actually means

• the difference between activation and danger

• fight, flight and freeze through the metaphor of the bear and the berries

• why excitement and fun can also activate your nervous system

• how your thoughts can create a “second bear” after something difficult happens

• why your relationship with yourself matters when you are triggered

• the difference between safety and comfort

• capacity versus avoidance — and how avoiding discomfort can slowly make your life smaller

• why regulation does not mean tolerating everything

• self-trust, emotional resilience and learning to stay on your own side

• my own experience of being unexpectedly triggered in Madeira and what it taught me about the nervous system

The deeper work is not creating a life in which nothing ever activates you.

It is becoming someone who can experience disappointment, uncertainty, conflict, excitement, grief, change and discomfort without automatically turning those experiences into emergencies.

Because you are the person your nervous system has to go through life with.

So the next time you feel triggered, instead of immediately asking:

“How do I calm myself down?”

try asking:

What is happening?
What am I telling myself about it?
And how can I stay on my own side while I move through it?

If you know someone whose life is becoming smaller because they are trying to avoid everything that activates them, share this episode with them.

Simply Well and Beyond — conversations about health, the nervous system, our thoughts, our habits, and creating a life we are actually well enough to live.