Thank Hello my friends, today we are talking about the art of saying no and I want to give you simple scripts to protect you. Your time and energy. And, oh my God, what a topic. I mean, one of my favorite topics actually, because I'm the queen of saying no. And that's why I get more out of life. Because I can say no. All right. And I have a lot of clients talking about that. But let's start with the beginning. So have you ever said yes, even when every part of you was actually screaming, or maybe whispering to you? I know. Can you think about this situation? Because I've got plenty. I've got plenty. And the most ridiculous ones are when I say, yes, my husband loves massages. And he comes to me and he's more into it than I am, I think. For me, it's like a longer process. I need to think about it, how I'm going to do it, and it needs to be perfectly aligned with the timing and stuff. And he would come to me and he would say, how about a massage on this or that day? And most of the time I'm like, well, the massage is going to be here anyway, so let's do it. And I would say yes. And I keyed Jean up. There were moments where I would lie on the table, I would be massaged, and 10 minutes into it, I'd be like, no, this is not what I want now. No, this is not what I need. Excuse myself and leave a massage. This is how extreme I can take it, and this is also how ridiculous it can be for me to say yes. Just because it's being presented to me, because it's an easy option, because it's a little cheaper per massage, per person, if there's needs to people, and so on and so on, so many of those factors, because he's doing something that I am appreciating, he's taking care of it, he's arranging this, so a lot of those things, and it's, you know, often I think, oh, it would be nice, it would be nice, but I did not pause and say, do I really want it? So, I hope this story makes you realize that we are not, nobody's perfect with this no business, but we can be better, and I invite you to be better with your no's, than with your, than you currently are, and let's see what you can gain from saying no more often, All right? right? So, today we are talking about how to say no. I'm going to talk a little bit about why not to say, why to say no and how to do it clearly, kindly, and without the guilt. So, let's get going. We all experience the pressure to say yes. To whom? Oh my God, we say yes to everything. And when I think about it, about my clients, how they saying yes at work because they want to be promoted, because they don't want to be fired, because they want to valued, because they want to be an equal player, because they want to pull weight. And especially for us women, we are being taught from early age to say yes. And we also, as women, are raised to be people-pleasers and we're saying yes when it's for other people, when people ask us, so just sometimes it's even enough just that we're being asked and we do not use our own verifier to say, to decide, is it a yes or is it a no, but we're like, somebody's asking us, is it a yes? And I also want to say here that for myself, because of the background, of my background, of being an expat, of being an entrepreneur, of being a mother, having lived in so many countries, so I want to give you a quick example of the yes, how I've been trained at some point to say yes too many times by the environment, all right? So when I arrive in a new country and have nobody, like no friends, no No social network, nothing. The minute I get invited anywhere, I say yes, because that used to be my strategy, and I would go and see everybody, everywhere, all the time, which leads to burnout, and I would never question, is this what I want to do? Is this the kind of people I want to hang out with? Is this da-da-da-da-da? And I have not verified that, and this is how I've trained myself to say yes, and though I was doing it intentionally, purposefully, I wanted to meet new people, new friends, go and do things, I just was saying yes without any filter on it, and just by getting into this, I've trained myself to say yes too much. And before that, I was known to be the no girl. Okay. right. Thank you. So, it's a kind of pressure that we have socially, for sure, professionally, and if you are an entrepreneur, we are, I mean, we need to say yes to everything, right? To show up, to increase the visibility, to say yes to every client, we're saying yes at work. We're saying yes because of our children, if you are a mother, and it's just too much. We do wanna, there's people-pleasing, if you have people-pleasing tendencies, there you go, fear of conflict or judgment. Yeah? So, when we've experienced that, or maybe we make it up in our mind, this is what we imagine, this is what we anticipate, that when we say no, there's gonna be a conflict. Or somebody is going to judge us for being lazy, for being unkind, for being unprofessional, for being whatever, negative, just because you said no. And we also, as I mentioned, have that gender and cultural conditioning, right? And the final one is the desire to all my helpers, all my helpers and healers there. Desire to be seen as helpful or good, to be a good team player, to be a helpful mother, to be a helpful friend. And it's, I think when I look at all of those, I'm guilty on every single front in the past. But there is a way out of it. And I invite you to do the work on you to overcome that fear of conflict of judgment, to step out of the cultural and gender conditioning, that recognizing to recognize your own worth, that you are good and helpful as you are and saying no. Does not make you any less lovable. That's on the people pleasing. So and all of this have some kind of underlying thing related to being lovable, being accepted or being successful, which is equal to being accepted and being desired in the professional world. I hope this this helps you realize. That it's that when you say too much yes and not enough, no, that you are not doing yourself or your goals or people around you, any good service. So, for me, as I said, I would run down my home and my energy to the ground because I said yes to too many things socially, my business would suffer because I was entertaining too much, cooking perfect meals and showing up at events that I had no business and no desire being. I even said yes in the past two massages that I was not feeling like having just because they were there, they were offered to me, organized, and it was just that. I would also take on clients that were not aligned. I would say yes to jobs in the past when I was a younger woman that were not aligned with me and they were not in line with my long-term strategy. And in current era, it's like taking another course. There is another course that popped out on your Instagram feed or maybe your friend is taking it and is having a great success. And you're saying yes just because it's there. Or, which I really don't like, the scarcity marketing. It's only now, only open for the next 24 hours and stuff. And you're saying yes just because it's available now. So I think I had like a curve. I've reached a dip of saying yes too much some time ago, some years ago. And I'm guilty as much as anybody else of doing it. But real life. And deciding to work on your boundaries and deciding that you need to prioritize what's important and I think with age we do as we have a little bit less capacity and we have more clarity on what we want and what we don't want it's becoming like it's being forced on on us so but the thing that I want you if you are like 30 35 maybe a little older than that or older than that then I want you to to just take the moment to reflect and think about am I saying yes to the things that add up to my to what I really want or am I saying yes to things that are not aligned with what I want for a long term and with that clarity we we make better progress we get where we want to go and we all So better. I thought this episode is going to be about burnout, but in reality, it's not about burnout. It's not about that it's costing you a burnout. It's costing you that you don't get where you want to go. Take a deep breath, but we're still here with me. All right. We do have burnout as a result of saying yes, because if there is something that is important to you and you are not creating the capacity by saying no in other areas, I think you are burning the candle on too many ends. And this is my breath and butter in my coaching business that people, women especially, come and talk about how they want to be everything for everyone at once. The same time and proceed with their personal goals and professional goals. It's not possible. It's not possible. This is like a nice lining for burnout. And we're not doing this anymore. It's not necessary. It's not required to have a burnout if you are successful or if you're going where you want to go. So the magic potion is saying no. So we're saying no to burnout. That's why you need to keep saying no to things that are not aligned and that make your top priority. If you're a professional, you are a career goal. We are saying no to things that are not aligned with our goals. And we need to make them perfectly clear to ourselves that these are the important bits. That's why I'm doing it. And these things are going to fall down. So we tighten our priority list. going next first list. So And we stick to it. We need to be super disciplined. And we also create resentment mainly to ourselves. And we create time scarcity. And then when you are in the time scarcity or energy scarcity from saying yes to too many things and not saying no enough, then what happens? The projects that are really requiring your super attention, super fresh mind, rested heart, patience. And if you have children, this is particularly important, then you are not going to show up in those areas as well as you would like to. Okay. So it's about having that clarity and sticking to that clarity and saying no where you need to. And it's probably more often than you think. Okay, so what I want to also say here is that sometimes, probably not sometimes, but very often, when we say yes to ourselves, we need to say no to others. No, you don't have to have that dinner to please your friend, your mother, your boyfriend, girlfriend, just because they made it. You don't need to please them that way. Okay? And they will love you anyway. I promise you that. So we are saying yes to ourselves, and we are at peace, and we are whole, and we're happy, and we're okay, even if it's uncomfortable, saying no to others, because we need to say yes to ourselves. And no, you're not selfish. selfish. You're not selfish. You just have clear boundaries. And if you ever consider, but is this selfish? Am I being selfish here? If you're asking yourself this question, then like 99.999% you are not being selfish. Okay? If you were selfish, you wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be listening to this podcast. You wouldn't be interested in an episode like that. So you are not selfish. You're just saying yes to yourself. And it requires sometimes. Saying no to others. And sometimes they get upset. But that's okay. You are not responsible for their upsetness. And I want to go back to what another aspect of saying no, which is like the fear of conflict or judgment. And if you work on the fact of being more resilient to conflict and judgment, and you handle it better. you. You will be saying no, like there is no tomorrow, when you are free from that fear of judgment and conflict, and saying no and withstanding the blowback of conflict or judgment, and it's not even the judgment or the conflict, it's just how we feel, how you feel about that somebody is in conflict with you, or they're upset with you, or that they're judging you for saying no. This, you will be so powerful, when you understand, when you experiment with that part, that you can withstand it and be okay, even if it's uncomfortable, and then you will grow even more resilient than you already are, and that's such a great place to be, because the things are easy, and cost us less energy, less time. And so on. All right, let's move Move on. So I want to talk to you about like a Know Without Guilt framework that is known and I want you to think about like four stages when you are being offered. These are the script things that I promised you. So first of all, when there is something coming up where you are being offered, invited and acknowledge the fact that you're being invited or offered by showing appreciation. So how could that look like? Oh, that's really sweet of you. Thank you for thinking about me. Thank you for offering this to me. In my case, it would be thank you for arranging the massage. And I know, I know. I'm different. Thank you for the invitation. Thank you for the opportunity. So acknowledge and show appreciation. Thank you is just just saying thank you. It's showing appreciation and acknowledges that it's something kind towards us. And this is just on offers and invitations, but could be also at work, right? Thank you for considering me for this position. Thank you for considering me for giving me the opportunity to speak at this event or thank you for wanting to work with me. So that's what we do. And this is like a whole range, hopefully for you, whether you are at work, whether you are an entrepreneur or whether you are listening to this episode in the context of your personal life. So then we are saying no. I know. That's the tricky part, right? So we can say, and I want to give you some scripts for this. So you walk away from this episode with like some tools already that you can start practicing and you don't have to use any of them or all of them. These are just suggestions. So look at them. Listen to them. Pick the one. Pick one that seems doable to say. And of course, the top, the crème de la crème for this exercise is to say, no, I don't feel like it. But that's, that might be too bold or not appropriate in your situation. Enjoy. . Especially if you're in a professional situation. But ultimately that's what we would like to do, right? To have the confidence of setting the boundary and saying, no, I just don't feel like it. Okay? It will come. It will come. I promise you, if you work on this, it will come and you will get better. And I'm saying no and my husband says, how about massage this Friday? I sometimes say no. And that's my no. Thank you for thinking about me. No, not this Friday. So how can we say no? Most important is to say it directly, not vaguely, to make sure that it's clear now that the language is strong. But kind, and no over-explaining, alright? So it could be like, apart from my no, I don't feel like, I won't be able to commit to that. That does not align with my priorities right now. This will not work for me. I don't see how this could work for me at the moment, okay? There is, of course, play with the words and see what would resonate with you, what would work best for you, okay? So that's stating no clearly. We do need to do that part. And sometimes, very often actually, it's the hardest part just to say the no. Thank Thank And now that I'm in UK, actually a lot of people say, I'm afraid I won't be able to commit. You can do that too. So it depends. You need to be culturally adjusted, of course. The next thing is optional. And optional is like, I want to say like optional, not necessary. Brief reason, but without an apology or over justification. So that's from my top, I don't feel like it, which is like a brief reason. You can also say it in a passive tense, of course, that doesn't feel right for me now. There are other ways. And it's the reason we give. We only give it when it serves the relationship or adds some clarity that you feel is necessary, not for you, for the other person, and you are not obligated to give a reason, because a no is a full sentence, it's a complete sentence, no, all right? So what could you say? You could say, I'm focusing on a few personal priorities this month, or I'm protecting my time for rest and family right now, or you could say, I am focusing on other priorities that are related to my job. You could say, I'm focusing on clients who... ... ... They at a different stage of their development right now. For work things, I am focusing on projects and opportunities that bring me closer to something else, another direction. I am looking to grow in another direction right now. Which is all of those are just stating one thing. This is not my priority at the moment. And it not only helps you with the current now, but also allows, it informs the person you are talking to. The people you are talking to. you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. you. Thank you. About what you are up to, what you're looking for. And it helps on many levels. It shows where you're not gonna go and where you're looking to go. Okay. So for a lot of you, if it's, if you're like me, friendship, friendship, friendships are, are the topic of a lot of the conversations I'm having. So when I say no to certain things, like I wouldn't go for wine tasting at the moment. And I haven't been to one for ages though, though it's such a fun, but I'm just like, I don't have time for this. I don't have the capacity and I want to do other things. I want to focus on other things. And when I stated to my friends and I say, thank you for inviting me. Thank you for thinking about me. Wine tasting at the moment is Something I'm not interested particularly in, I'm looking to prioritize activities that add to my health, or, and as an example, which is one of my strategies to have social life and friendships and do things that add to my health and wellness, they then, when they doing their health activities, they add me mentally to their list of people to invite, so, and maybe they didn't know until now that that's what I was interested in. So I invite you to have this, this mindset that it's not just saying no, it's also communicating and saying, I won't be having dinners at 9pm or 8pm, welcome to the club of not dining too late, but I'll be up for a walk, or, but I'm, because I'm focusing on this healthy diet or intermittent fasting or whatever it is, and see who pops out. And what are the options? Opportunities show up in your life. That's how easy it is. All right, there is a final stage to saying no without guilt, and that's closing with grace and optional redirection or warmth, which is good, which we want, right? Because we want to soften the blast of the no. So, we could leave the door open for another invitation, or we offer something, or we just give them, kill them with kindness. I hope it all goes smoothly. Let's catch up another time soon. Wishing you all the best with it. Have absolutely great time. Thank Send me photos. It's one of my favorite ones. I'm really curious to see how you're gonna dress up for this crazy party that you want me to come and I'm not coming. All right, so still saying no. Sometimes we get tense from saying no to that it kind of it can jeopardize the relationship and especially a friendship. But if we are if we are honest with ourselves because like honestly and love is like my major thing so be honest to tell you I don't want to do this. But I hope with love that you have a blast. Even though I can't make it. I still love you. If it's work situation or client situation we say so happy. I've I'm not getting involved in this but let me know who you found to help you out with this or if it's a project at work you say you know I'm like that's really great project not aligned with my priorities at the moment but I'm really curious to see how you guys gonna do it and who is gonna be on board with you and what opportunities show up for you with this so this kindness wishing well for those people who wanted you on board with something there you go there you go okay I also have a little here at the end I want to say I want to say that the there is a lot also to do with your spouse so in your romantic relationship that I haven't really mentioned that much other than my myself So, a lot of times women feel like they have to say yes to things, but you know what, it makes you more attractive, more desirable when you actually say no, because it shows that you've got clarity on what you want and what It shows you clarity, it shows how clear your boundaries are, and it makes you a more determined person to getting what you want, to knowing what you want, and it kind of signals to the other person that you will get there where you want. So it's not about a discussion about how we're going to get there, but that you're really going to be successful at getting there where you want to go, or what you want to get. on second. So And this all adds up to being a more attractive partner in a romantic relationship, at least by my book. Anyway, so the framework that I've just showed you, that I've just talked to you about, so the no without guilt, the acknowledgement, then stating no clearly, giving optional brief reason without apology or justification, and finally closing with grace, keeps your message clear and respectful, lets you honor your capacity, whether that's time or energy and leaves the other person with dignity and helps you to build confidence in setting boundaries. And we all could use the loving a little bit better with boundaries. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. To finalize, for the end, I want to give an example script that maybe you want to model from and makes you feel more comfortable. So there we go. Thanks so much for inviting me to speak at this event. I'm honored you thought of me. Right now, I'm keeping my schedule lighter to focus on some personal priorities. So I will have to pass. I hope it's a fantastic event. Okay? So this is more professional approach to what I was saying. And I also want to leave you with a couple of questions and an exercise and an exercise. So depending where you are on your journey, we're saying, no, I want you to say, just if you are really, really the big. in to use, You know, like you always say yes, yes, yes, and you feel, you like, tremble at the thought of saying no, I want you to think of, I want you to try this exercise of saying no. Just say no. It doesn't matter what it is. Like, if somebody wants to let you go through the door today, or somebody offers you, I don't know, a perfume, something, or you have a child who is nagging you for something, or, you know, you always watch the movie with your husband or that he chooses, whatever it is, you pick. I just want you today to say no. No thank you. No thank you. And start there, if you are a total beginner. For those of you who are a little bit more advanced on saying no, but you still know you're saying yes to too many things. I want you to... Answer yourself this question, where do I have difficulties saying no, but I feel like I should be saying no, where do I have difficulties saying no and for myself like it's I because I'm a highly sensitive person, I need to plan my schedules very meticulously and there has to be a rest time. A downtime, no people time, no interaction time, stare at the wall time, and just cooling off periods, and I need a lot of nourishment and I can't pop from one party to another, where I need to say no is when things pop up spontaneously and they like short time, tomorrow. How about this and this tomorrow. So I usually say, I used to say yes, because it was exciting and I really wanted to go, but it won't be working for me if I did it, because I was exhausted, exhausted, so my next step to that, and you know, mind you, this was something I wanted to do, something that was aligned, it just, I didn't have the capacity, and my first step, and I'm also encouraging you to think about that, is to decide, I'm not going to say yes, I'm going to say, let me look at my calendar, I'm not sure I can make it, I will get back to you, okay, this strategy allows me to take a break, to like, I don't have to decide here, I didn't have the here and now pressure of committing, alright, and you don't have to do it only for the short term, you also can do it for the long term things, so not now, like, I can't decide now. Oh, and then it allows you to cool off and think about it. So, but I want to go back to the first question, where do I have difficulty saying no? Where do I have difficulty saying no? Question number two. What is the impact on me when I don't say no? What's the impact on me? When I don't say no. Is it resentment? Negative judgment? They don't understand me. They don't read my mind. They don't read my mind. Or maybe just like me, um, I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted. I'm So. Or maybe. Judgment and. What was that meant towards yourself? I should have said no. I wish I said no to this. I've committed to go, to do, but now I'm, why didn't I say no? Why can't I ever say no? So think about it. What is the impact? And write that down. What is the impact on me when I don't say no? All right. And the final question is, what do I, what's my story behind here? What do I believe here? Do I believe this is the last occasion? Do I believe that there will not be another opportunity just like that? Do I have to do it just to keep my job? They will pass me for promotion. If I, if I don't jump at this opportunity, I won't have it. Any more clients, if I don't say yes to this one? Is that the last guy that is interested in me? Will they invite me for another party? Will they invite me to another event if I don't show up for this one? So what's your story? What's your story? Am I still lovable? Am I still desirable when I say no? There is so many stories that could be behind that. And that's something to work on, to think of and realize what's the real story and what are the limiting beliefs that you have around this particular thing that are holding you back from saying no because you are scared of something. You fear something. Well, but, Gosia, isn't it selfish? Isn't it selfish that I say no because of Me, when my friend asks me to help them out with something, well, would your friend ask you if they know what it's costing you? Because it's like the alternative, what's the opportunity cost here? When you say yes to yourself, that means that sometimes we say no to others. And finally, as a result of not saying enough no, where are you not saying yes, where you really want to, because you don't have the space? Because you're not saying. you. you. you. Thank you. you. No. Enough. And the space is time, or freedom, or energy, and it could be for self-care, for your rest, for your healing, for your happiness, for your career, for your self-development, for your children. Where are you not saying yes, where you want to, just because you don't have the space, because you're not saying no enough? I'll leave you with that, my friends, today. If you know somebody who could benefit from a little bit more encouragement, and a little If bit more thoughts on saying no, because you feel they could be saying no more for their own sake, for their own good, please forward them this episode. And if you are not saying enough no in your life, please start. It's an art, but it's also a habit, something to protect your time, your energy, and you, your happiness, your wholeness, you, your living, your life. And that's why we have the no. And that's why we need to use it and not be afraid to use it how it's meant to be. And you don't have to be impolite, unkind. It can all be done with so much grace. Until next week, my friends.
